In my job I stand in front of the camera sometimes. Sometimes I do well. Sometimes I embarrass the shit out of myself. Here are three separate times I embarrassed the shit out of myself. If you feel awkward reading it, imagine being me.
Situation 1: HOLA.
First time filming live. I'm stressed AF. I don't know why I said yes. But I'm here. So let's just suck it up and do it. They get me ready. "We start in 10. You have to start by introducing yourself." Ok. 10 minutes left. I want to fix my make up. Find bathroom: check. Fix make-up: check. I look in the mirror. Let's practice that introduction. 'Hi, I'm Marta!' 'Helloooow, I'm Marta'. 'Holaaaa! Soy Marta. Ok, no that's just too much.' 'Hey there, my name is Marta'. 'Hellowkes, I'm Marta.' And 10 other ways to introduce myself. I go back. "We go live in 5!". "Cameras check, microphone on...." I'm sorry what??? Microphone on what??? Nooooo. No no no. 'Excuse me! Excuse me? Was my microphone on all this time?' "Yes. Or si si." Great. Just great. I knew hola was just too much.
Situation 2: DO HIM.
I'm filming again. Day is going great. It's busy, it's chaotic, I love it. Crew is awesome and I mute my microphone when I talk to myself in the mirror. Well done, me. We have a break. My phone rings. It's Monika. I take the call in the toilet. She asks how it's going. I tell her how it's going. It's going really well. She asks if there are hot men. "Yeaaah' I say. 'The cameran is SOOW HOT.' Yes SOOW HOT coz I now apparently use Australian accent to describe hot man. "Do him!" she says. 'Naaah, I'm not gonna do him!! He doesn't seem like fun enough for me!'. I pee. I come out. Cameraman looks at me. Cameraman does not look impressed. Cameraman says "you know your microphone is on right." NOT. THIS. AGAIN. No cameraman, I did not know. I just called you hot but not fun enough. And I peed in your ear. I did NOT know. We go back to filming. Cameraman is 50cm away from my face for the next 2 hours. Because being on camera is just not awkward enough.
Situation 3: Shoot me now.
We're making a video about my work. I do what I usually do when I style and shoot. I unpack my props. Arrange them on a table.... We stop filming for a moment. I take a photo of my props and put it on IG stories. Production manager thinks it looks cool. He wants to film that too. I take a few pictures with my phone. He now wants me to browse them on camera.
Camera is filming my phone screen. Camera is connected to a monitor. Production team is sitting at the monitor.
I start browsing. Swipe, swipe, swipe... 'Keep on browsing Marta!' 'Ok'. Swipe, swipe, SHIT swipe DID swipe I swipe DELETE swipe THE swipe PHOTO swipe FROM swipe LAST .... OMFG!!!!!!! I did NOT delete the photo from last night. Shoot me now.
You see, the night before I sexted. And the night before I was feeling brave. So I did not take the one boob half a nipple pic. No. The night before I took a selfie stick. And I took a full on nude in a bath. Full on. In a bath. And now my full on nude was not only to be admired by the cameraman. My full on nude was also to be admired by the production team. They say it's all good. They say they will cut it out. That's really great. Thanks. But for now let me just dig a hole and hide in it. Bye.