It's 31st of December. I'm single. Single but not ready to mingle. I stay away from dating apps like fire. Nothing against dating apps, I'm just sooo not ready for all that.
31st December, 3pm. I don't usually drink. But today I'm starting early. A little bit because it's New Years Eve. A little bit because I'm feeling like shit. I'm just back from Poland. I so did not want to be back from Poland. I miss my family. So much. And there is this guy. I have a little bit of a crush on him... I just do not want to be back.
3 glasses of champagne later. Friends are running late. I'm in need of some distraction. Ooooh oooh, let's see what Tinder is all about. Download, yes. Login with Facebook, hmmm owkay. Wait, SHIT, I'm on Tinder. What? Fuck fuck fuck! Call Maureen, she was once on Tinder!
'Maureen! I'm on Tinder!!! I was just gonna check it out, I thought I can like you know have a draft account, but there is no draft account, I'm on there!!!!.' 'Haha are you OK?', she asks. 'Not at all, I'm an emotional mess, and I'm tipsy, but TINDER! Tell me about Tinder?'.
Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Right. 'You have a match'. Oh. 'Jasper sent you a message.' No no no no no. I'm not ready to chat! I just got here!! 'Pancakes or waffles?.' Ah, food question, I got this. Pancakes, always pancakes. We make small talk. Jasper wants a booty call. Thanks but no thanks.
Wine bar. 5 glasses of wine later. Current state: drunk. 'Hey, guuuuuys! I got me a Tinder. Looooook!'. My phone is hijacked. It takes me a moment to realize Hélène is swiping EVERYONE right. EVERYONE!! 'Hélène, STOP!' She does NOT stop. Rest of the night is a blur.
1st of January. My head is killing me. Someone is in my bed! Uufff, it's Claire, it's just Claire. Thank god. I pick up my phone. New Years wishes from aunt Lena. I have a match. Facebook message from mom. I have a match. Rodolphe sent me a message. Sam sent me a message. I've been superliked? What the... OMG, TINDER! I'm on Tinder!!!!
First 2017 resolution: DELETE Tinder. But since I'm in... go to messages. First message. Rodolphe, 40. I must have swiped him right. He is hot. Really hot. Wait, what? Rodolphe does not believe in epilation. He thinks it causes world's chaos and alienation. Thanks for sharing Rodolphe. I believe in laser hair removal. Bye Rodolphe. Second message. Frank, 42. Frank is not wearing a shirt. Frank looks like Mr. Bean. Must be one of Hélène's guys. Well, maybe Frank has a great personality... 'Roses are red, violets are blue, Marta, I wanna hook up with you'. Frank does NOT have a great personality. Bye Frank.
Faith in male race before Tinder: 5%. Faith in male race after Tinder: 1%. Find settings, delete account... 'You have a new match'. Oh. Ok, let me just quickly check this one out.
TO BE CONTINUED.